at the 425

I haven’t written in a long while. and I could come in here and say I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time. Which is partially true. However, part of it is because I just haven’t made the time. My schedule literally sucks. It really does. I have been pulling at least 6 days a week for 2 years. I should be used to it by now. And I can blame the travel and the exhaustion from working like I do but let’s stop lying to ourselves, Shall we?? It’s me I’m the problem. I’m using this all as an excuse not to do it. Yes I am exhausted, but why can’t I find the inner strength I’ve always had before? Why is everything so much harder? Why can’t I do it? You might be wondering what I’m even talking about…

Let’s start a few months back, I was working out every day I was working the same schedule I am now, I was meal prepping and planning. And I was killing my socials and building a brand. and then everything went upside down. I had a mini vacay and I wasn’t able to follow my very strict schedule. I was never able to fall back in line…I was able to maintain for the most part. I tried to keep going to the gym but then I got sick and I never made it back in full time.

What makes me the maddest is that I was actually making some progress… And I look at myself now and I’m disappointed in myself and disgusted with where I have gone. I kinda kept an eye on it. I stayed the same weight but I could definitely feel the softness coming back. Then an arm injury when at work made worse by forcing the gym because I was trying to get back into it has literally had me almost completely out for months. More than 4 months and I’m still having serious issues with my arm. Which does not help. Not only was the softness coming back and I’ve lost the muscle I had built but I could see and feel a problem in the way my clothes fit.

But Denial, Denial, Denial, !!!!!! “I’m not too far gone! I still weigh the same!”…”I’ts not soo bad yet I’m still the same weight”…. Over and over again I kept lying to myself and then I went to the “I’m fine, I’m not going to be vain and worry about my looks. Vanity is a sin” God made me this way and I’m fine.” I pushed all of it out of my brain and focused on my relationship with God. … Telling myself that God would take care of everything and he was my focus… That focusing on it was just being Vain and an insult to God because he made me the way he wanted me and apparently a bit chubby was his choice.

It’s all fun and games until it’s time to pack for vacation…..

I don’t want to spend too much more time whining and complaining about a situation that I quite literally put myself in. But let’s just say it was miserable at times. I was so bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin. This was a trip that my husband earned through his work they took us to the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego CA. It is truly beautiful and amazing and it kind of sucked that I was so……… ICKK. It being the beach there were swimsuits involved, and I hated it I tried to ignore it and not worry about it but I was extremely embarrassed by my appearance. By trying to push God to the forefront and I spent a lot of time praying. I spent my morning on the beach drinking coffee and saying my rosery, doing my devotionals and just absorbing gods beautiful creations…ie, the dolphins! They were incredible….

The top Portio of this was written back in August. It is now mid November and I am barely getting back to it. And as much as I wish I could say differently I can’t I’m still struggling. More so now I think. I hate to admit it but I think I’ve been struggling with depression, I think and a bit of anxiety. I have spoken with a few people and I believe some of this might be hormone imbalance issues. I still need to figure out what is going on with me but I just keep feeling like I’m failing at everything. I’m constantly overwhelmed I can never catch up with anything. I’m always behind. I don’t even know where to begin. And I can’t even find the mental strength to force it.

I wanted to build a blog and a platform so bad… but the more I started doing it the more I realized I have nothing important to say. I mean what could I share that people want to know about. And I just don’t feel like I have anything to contribute. I have way too many niches how do I pick one…..? Batteries, Device Repair, Getting back in the swing for health and fitness and food, My Faith, Fashion, Household, DIY Remodeling, I even started trying to sell cups and other things but i just didn’t have the time to nurture it and to give it the time it needed to actually grow. I started doing a lot more booktok stuff and reading and that started growing and then I started getting more into my faith and then I realized my interest in smut was very controversial… I love reading romance for the love, I love love…. I don’t necessarily need the “smut” in the books, but I’m not going to lie in a lot of those books the connection that the couples have in those books are a lot based on how they are “together” and if you skip it you miss some important connections that are made. But reading them makes me feel guilty…. so then I just kind of lose interest because I don’t want to purposefully do something that I know is a sin…. I’ve almost completely stopped reading all together.

Th First Half Has Been Sitting Here For Over A Year!!!!!!!!!

Why do I do this to myself. I have all of the dreams and want so badly to make them happen but I can not seem to keep it together long enough to actually make them happen. So maybe if I can vent and clear my brain I can make it all happen. I love writing and I have always wanted to be a writer but I never did anything with it. I let my fears stop me. I have 1 book only like a quarter of the way done but I have gone back and re read and edited it on and off for years and I really love it. But I let fear of judgement stop me from actually doing it. I also have matured and my morals have rooted stronger than ever and spicy romance isn’t something I can do in good taste… I love romance and I grew up reading them and I am obsessed with love. So now I feel like I would have to completely redo it… But it is so good.

I’m just rambling at this point, but that’s just I guess how my brain works… 17 tabs open and music is coming from somewhere…. How do I organize it? How do I keep it straight enough to become productive in ways that matter?

I also thought maybe I should make this a prayer journal. just for myself and if someone else actually wants to read it then that’s a bonus.

Hopes—

Use this platform to share my love of the Lord and my Faith. Prayer journaling and other faith based posts. Liturgical living and so on… I want to have a work blog so bad. One that talks about my business stuff. and both will link to my socials and link tree where I can have brand links to make extra commissions potentially….I want to start writing again. Maybe on one of those apps that you release like a chapter at a time… But how do I make the time for that while still being the main person in each of my stores. And actively trying to grow them????